Episode 2: The Truth of the Smile

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Even when I’m having fun and doing something I love I hurt. Even when I’m off someplace at an event for something I adore I hurt. I may be ignoring a low pain day, I may be pushing away a flare, or I may be pulling out meds and saying “I’ve got this and no matter what I’m damn well going to enjoy this,” but the pain is there always. My limited movement makes it more awkward because I haven’t yet found a way to not feel super awkward with my body and the way it moves and doesn’t move now. I’ve never liked smiling. But now, these days I feel like smiling is a mask. Something I put on for the world to tell them “oh I’m ok, I’m fine, I’m even pain free and normal” when none of those are true. Not one. Not smiling is normal. And I’m learning that I don’t need to smile and fake
it all the time. So even if I’m not smiling I’m still likely having a blast. And I’m likely internally screaming at my body for flaring and hurting. Either way, I’m as good as I’m going to get.

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